“The Story of David’s Statue”

 

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free”

     Michelangelo Buonarroti

 

There is a story about the carving of David that goes something like this:

Every day, a curious little girl wandered into the studio workshop where Michelangelo created his masterpieces.

One day, she arrived to see him sitting, staring intently at a large block of marble. Eventually, after several days of studying the stone, the girl watched as Michelangelo picked up his tools and carefully began to chisel.

Day after day she continued to watch Michelangelo chip away and marvelled as the image of David slowly emerged from within the rock.

Finally, when much of the rock had been carved away, David’s face and form became clearly visible to the little girl.

One afternoon, no longer able to restrain herself, she reached and tugged gently at the Great artist’s tunic to attract his attention.

“Master”, the little girl began tentatively, “How did you know he was in there?”

 

Other than to acknowledge that some combination of “Nature versus Nurture” ultimately determines who we all become, this short article will not pretend to address the Gordian Knot at the centre of this debate. Suffice it to say that, we come from the rock — but also from the sculptor.

 

In terms of adoption however, this issue is often an “elephant in the room”.

 

Whether verbalized or not, at some point, couples attending our seminars, wonder about the impact that often unknown genetics might play in the development of the children they are anxious to adopt.

 

Unfortunately, rather than approaching the adopted child with joyful anticipation for the hidden treasures locked into these wondrous little people’s DNA, instead, many adopting parents agonize over what negative traits might emerge as the result of unknown backgrounds, or lineage that they may perceive to be inferior or compromised in some way.

 

This sort of thinking coupled with the accompanying tendency to worry, rather than be optimistic and excited, is based on the kinds of frailty and irrationality often associated with our human natures.

 

1. It is in our nature to be fearful of the unknown.
2. We tend to be uncomfortable with things that we cannot control.
3. The further away that we are able to assign blame from ourselves, the quicker we are to do so.
4. Because adoption often originates from less than ideal circumstances, some feel that same negativity will somehow persist, affect the child, or otherwise permeate like a curse.
5. Sometimes deep-seated or innate racism, beliefs associated to the existence of a “natural” social strata, or personal judgements may create concern that the biological parents are flawed and/or not made of “good stuff”.

 

Proof of this kind of adoption cynicism is readily reflected in our modern culture and evidenced in a plethora of fictional stories where adoption scenarios move negative plot lines (Just google “Adoption Horror Movies” and be prepared to scroll through several pages!). Yet, evidence of this kind of adoption bias is also historical. In the Bible, Moses grows up, returns to his roots, and effectively betrays the Egyptian royal family who fished him out of the Nile as a baby. In Greek mythology, Oedipus suffers adoption as an alternative to death only to return and slay his biological father and have a wholly inappropriate relationship with his mother. And what about, Theon Greyjoy! The Starks raised that boy as one of their own!

 

Unfortunately, much of this adoption-myth-negativity has been quietly sewn into each us from the time our parents began to recite nursery rhymes and was further reinforced by an era of “Leave it to Beaver” fictional families.

 

Blaming a child’s behaviour or character on their genetics, however, is not exclusively something that happens to adopted children.   Terms like, “The Black Sheep” or “The Red-haired Child” are phrases coined to describe children, even those from traditionally constituted families who, through some genetic anomaly, may not look, or act, quite like their parents or siblings.

 

Families with intact genetic histories make an innocent game of it. It starts by attributing physical features with family members. Comments like, “She has the same mouth as her Auntie Beth.”, or “He’s musical just like his Grandfather”. (On a side note, have you ever wondered about how comments like these fall on the ears of a child who was adopted?). These sorts of comments, however, can quickly turn negative when attributed to negative behaviours and even more so when families disavow any link whatsoever to certain attributes, “I don’t know where he got that from!”, and “That’s certainly didn’t come from either of our families!”

 

There are a common set of very negative terms associated with this kind of thinking, and these are seldom applied in positive contexts. Worse, they often contain nuance that, although intended to be lighthearted and funny, can trigger an attentive child’s curiosity. These include comments about people hiding in “woodpiles” and friendly “postmen”. They are among the worst things that any child can hear, but they are particularly insidious if planted in the developing mind of someone who was adopted.

 

Surely, such things are said jokingly, but there is an old adage that suggests that jokes often mask truths. There WILL come a time when you find yourself at wits end with a teen or a pre-teen that you are suddenly struggling to understand. Thoughts about whether their actions or behaviour are genetic will occur to you. It may start out innocently as a “Where is this coming from?” The right side of your brain, however, may seize on this as the perfect opportunity to absolve you from any parenting guilt or responsibility. It will whisper “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree...none of this is your fault!” You will be immediately comforted by the notion that this confusing or alarming behaviour wasn’t anything to do with how you raised the child...it is simply due to the child’s “nature”.

 

Although often devastating, children who “come from you” can more easily buffer harms like this. They can dilute the injury by sharing or blaming the perceived fault or weakness among the range of their biological roots, or even turning it back onto the originator. ALL children want to be like their parents. Children who came from you, who look like you, may find it easier to accept negative traits in themselves, sensing that they also share these with you!

 

The child who was adopted has a much more difficult challenge. In terms of the injury, they may have little more than a void of information and perspective to counter such an attack.   They may be left unable to defend or deflect attacks directed towards their DNA. They may begin to wonder what other deficiencies may lurk within them. Worse, this sort of attack can only create doubt and distance, straining critical attachments to their parents and siblings.

 

Because you are human, you will not be able to avoid any of this. No matter how steadfastly you guard against doing exactly what I have described above; it will eventually pop intro your head and it is likely you will say something that you should not.

 

Here are some suggested rules on how to minimize and manage the related angst this sort of DNA-Wins-All thinking is likely to trigger among children who were adopted.

 

Rule 1

No matter what, never blame any shortcomings that you perceive in your child on “what they are made of”.

First of all; you are probably wrong. Since most things naturally contain their opposite, what you might initially perceive as a shortcoming is just as likely the opposite side of a positive trait that you have either failed to recognize, or that you have been unable to develop in the child.

 

Although certainly not a blueprint, nature gives us a little bit of a “heads up” with children who share our DNA. Generally speaking, we are familiar with the kind of marble that we need to carve into beautiful, developed humans. If our families are musical, we peer into the block of family derived marble to see if there are violins in the grain. If our own backgrounds features scholars and intellectuals, we might look into the stone for signs of books and scrolls and then attempt to reveal those with careful strikes of our hammer and chisel.

 

But this adopted block of stone came from a different quarry.   It is perhaps darker and with a different grain. Their are assumptions about its nature that we cannot rely upon. We will have to study it much more carefully and not use our hammer blows to fashion it into a shape that the material cannot sustain.

 

Rule 2

Do not ever let your child seize on the idea that their own challenges are because the stone they are carved from is somehow flawed or deficient.

This is a common mistake of all parents. Just like everybody else, children protect their egos with excuses. There is no better excuse than one that is totally outside of a person’s immediate control. Excuses of this magnitude, of this nature, are fully self-limiting and there is generally no recovery. Despite hopeful or romantic notions, children do not suddenly awake at puberty and decide that the limitations woven into their self-images at an earlier age were somehow wrong.

 

Do not misconstrue this rule! As a parent it is important to manage your child’s expectations of their developing abilities but NEVER attribute what you might mistakingly perceive as a “weakness”, “shortcoming” or “inadequacy” to the very stuff they are made of!

 

Rule 3

Celebrate diversity in your family and accentuate the beauty and possibility that results from each child being unique.

This is harder than it seems. At the very same time, children want to both belong and be different. To makes things even more complicated, these opposite tendencies ebb and flow competing with one another at cycles throughout their development and even manifesting differently throughout their day.

 

Even in naturally constituted families, those children who, through a normal genetic anomaly, do not immediately resemble their parents or siblings often have a rough time of it. Society has created phrases for this. The “Black-sheep” or the “Red-headed child” are terms often used to describe such children.

 

Children who were adopted automatically fall into this category. They are immediately, visibly “black sheep”...and...they don’t want to be!

 

The easiest solution is for a parent is to bring out the paint. The well-intentioned parent might whitewash the adopted child’s stone to match the rest or, more ambitiously paint over all of their ‘statues’ to make them all look the same. Inevitably, the paint chips or fades creating a tsunami of issues.

 

Instead, go out of your way to accentuate the unique beauty of each individual block of stone. As a parent, this will allow you to accentuate the complimentary and contrasting beauty created by the entire collection of pieces. This is where individual’s perceptions of how they contribute to “family” are so vitally important. The individual differences that occur naturally are what ultimately creates strength within a family structure. Children often need to be reminded of this and praised for their contribution to this diversity.

 

Rule 4

Remember, you are not the only person working on this statue!

 

You will not be able to stop other people from “making their mark” on your statue. Unlike Michelangelo’s individual masterpiece, this is a community project!

 

Be careful who you allow to chisel away at this valuable piece of stone. Watch others carefully and make sure that each blow of their chisel is consistent with what you see in the stone.

 

Be particularly careful with other children who can often work around the base of your masterpiece while you are busy chipping away elsewhere. As your natural understudies, they are often helpful and enthusiastic carvers, but won’t have your wisdom or skill with their hammers and chisels. You can hardly blame them for harbouring their own agendas!

 

Rule 5

Be very careful and wise with your chisel, but particularly with your hammer. Once a blow is struck, repairs are difficult (if not impossible) to make.

 

Rule 6

You do not get to “make” your child. You do, however have the opportunity to reveal them!

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