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“The Story of David’s Statue”
“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free”
Michelangelo Buonarroti
There is a story about the carving of David that goes something like this:
Every day, a curious little girl wandered into the studio workshop where Michelangelo created his masterpieces.
One day, she arrived to see him sitting, staring intently at a large block of marble. Eventually, after several days of studying the stone, the girl watched as Michelangelo picked up his tools and carefully began to chisel.
Day after day she continued to watch Michelangelo chip away and marvelled as the image of David slowly emerged from within the rock.
Finally, when much of the rock had been carved away, David’s face and form became clearly visible to the little girl.
One afternoon, no longer able to restrain herself, she reached and tugged gently at the Great artist’s tunic to attract his attention.
“Master”, the little girl began tentatively, “How did you know he was in there?”
Other than to acknowledge that some combination of “Nature versus Nurture” ultimately determines who we all become, this short article will not pretend to address the Gordian Knot at the centre of this debate. Suffice it to say that, we come from the rock — but also from the sculptor.
In terms of adoption however, this issue is often an “elephant in the room”.
Whether verbalized or not, at some point, couples attending our seminars, wonder about the impact that often unknown genetics might play in the development of the children they are anxious to adopt.
Unfortunately, rather than approaching the adopted child with joyful anticipation for the hidden treasures locked into these wondrous little people’s DNA, instead, many adopting parents agonize over what negative traits might emerge as the result of unknown backgrounds, or lineage that they may perceive to be inferior or compromised in some way.
This sort of thinking coupled with the accompanying tendency to worry, rather than be optimistic and excited, is based on the kinds of frailty and irrationality often associated with our human natures.
- It is in our nature to be fearful of the unknown.
- We tend to be uncomfortable with things that we cannot control.
- The further away that we are able to assign blame from ourselves, the quicker we are to do so.
- Because adoption often originates from less than ideal circumstances, some feel that same negativity will somehow persist, affect the child, or otherwise permeate like a curse.
- Sometimes deep-seated or innate racism, beliefs associated to the existence of a “natural” social strata, or personal judgements may create concern that the biological parents are flawed and/or not made of “good stuff”.
Proof of this kind of adoption cynicism is readily reflected in our modern culture and evidenced in a plethora of fictional stories where adoption scenarios move negative plot lines (Just google “Adoption Horror Movies” and be prepared to scroll through several pages!). Yet, evidence of this kind of adoption bias is also historical. In the Bible, Moses grows up, returns to his roots, and effectively betrays the Egyptian royal family who fished him out of the Nile as a baby. In Greek mythology, Oedipus suffers adoption as an alternative to death only to return and slay his biological father and have a wholly inappropriate relationship with his mother. And what about, Theon Greyjoy! The Starks raised that boy as one of their own!
Unfortunately, much of this adoption-myth-negativity has been quietly sewn into each us from the time our parents began to recite nursery rhymes and was further reinforced by an era of “Leave it to Beaver” fictional families.
Blaming a child’s behaviour or character on their genetics, however, is not exclusively something that happens to adopted children. Terms like, “The Black Sheep” or “The Red-haired Child” are phrases coined to describe children, even those from traditionally constituted families who, through some genetic anomaly, may not look, or act, quite like their parents or siblings.
Families with intact genetic histories make an innocent game of it. It starts by attributing physical features with family members. Comments like, “She has the same mouth as her Auntie Beth.”, or “He’s musical just like his Grandfather”. (On a side note, have you ever wondered about how comments like these fall on the ears of a child who was adopted?). These sorts of comments, however, can quickly turn negative when attributed to negative behaviours and even more so when families disavow any link whatsoever to certain attributes, “I don’t know where he got that from!”, and “That’s certainly didn’t come from either of our families!”
There are a common set of very negative terms associated with this kind of thinking, and these are seldom applied in positive contexts. Worse, they often contain nuance that, although intended to be lighthearted and funny, can trigger an attentive child’s curiosity. These include comments about people hiding in “woodpiles” and friendly “postmen”. They are among the worst things that any child can hear, but they are particularly insidious if planted in the developing mind of someone who was adopted.
Surely, such things are said jokingly, but there is an old adage that suggests that jokes often mask truths. There WILL come a time when you find yourself at wits end with a teen or a pre-teen that you are suddenly struggling to understand. Thoughts about whether their actions or behaviour are genetic will occur to you. It may start out innocently as a “Where is this coming from?” The right side of your brain, however, may seize on this as the perfect opportunity to absolve you from any parenting guilt or responsibility. It will whisper “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree...none of this is your fault!” You will be immediately comforted by the notion that this confusing or alarming behaviour wasn’t anything to do with how you raised the child...it is simply due to the child’s “nature”.
Although often devastating, children who “come from you” can more easily buffer harms like this. They can dilute the injury by sharing or blaming the perceived fault or weakness among the range of their biological roots, or even turning it back onto the originator. ALL children want to be like their parents. Children who came from you, who look like you, may find it easier to accept negative traits in themselves, sensing that they also share these with you!
The child who was adopted has a much more difficult challenge. In terms of the injury, they may have little more than a void of information and perspective to counter such an attack. They may be left unable to defend or deflect attacks directed towards their DNA. They may begin to wonder what other deficiencies may lurk within them. Worse, this sort of attack can only create doubt and distance, straining critical attachments to their parents and siblings.
Because you are human, you will not be able to avoid any of this. No matter how steadfastly you guard against doing exactly what I have described above; it will eventually pop intro your head and it is likely you will say something that you should not.
Here are some suggested rules on how to minimize and manage the related angst this sort of DNA-Wins-All thinking is likely to trigger among children who were adopted.
Rule 1
No matter what, never blame any shortcomings that you perceive in your child on “what they are made of”.
First of all; you are probably wrong. Since most things naturally contain their opposite, what you might initially perceive as a shortcoming is just as likely the opposite side of a positive trait that you have either failed to recognize, or that you have been unable to develop in the child.
Although certainly not a blueprint, nature gives us a little bit of a “heads up” with children who share our DNA. Generally speaking, we are familiar with the kind of marble that we need to carve into beautiful, developed humans. If our families are musical, we peer into the block of family derived marble to see if there are violins in the grain. If our own backgrounds features scholars and intellectuals, we might look into the stone for signs of books and scrolls and then attempt to reveal those with careful strikes of our hammer and chisel.
But this adopted block of stone came from a different quarry. It is perhaps darker and with a different grain. Their are assumptions about its nature that we cannot rely upon. We will have to study it much more carefully and not use our hammer blows to fashion it into a shape that the material cannot sustain.
Rule 2
Do not ever let your child seize on the idea that their own challenges are because the stone they are carved from is somehow flawed or deficient.
This is a common mistake of all parents. Just like everybody else, children protect their egos with excuses. There is no better excuse than one that is totally outside of a person’s immediate control. Excuses of this magnitude, of this nature, are fully self-limiting and there is generally no recovery. Despite hopeful or romantic notions, children do not suddenly awake at puberty and decide that the limitations woven into their self-images at an earlier age were somehow wrong.
Do not misconstrue this rule! As a parent it is important to manage your child’s expectations of their developing abilities but NEVER attribute what you might mistakingly perceive as a “weakness”, “shortcoming” or “inadequacy” to the very stuff they are made of!
Rule 3
Celebrate diversity in your family and accentuate the beauty and possibility that results from each child being unique.
This is harder than it seems. At the very same time, children want to both belong and be different. To makes things even more complicated, these opposite tendencies ebb and flow competing with one another at cycles throughout their development and even manifesting differently throughout their day.
Even in naturally constituted families, those children who, through a normal genetic anomaly, do not immediately resemble their parents or siblings often have a rough time of it. Society has created phrases for this. The “Black-sheep” or the “Red-headed child” are terms often used to describe such children.
Children who were adopted automatically fall into this category. They are immediately, visibly “black sheep”...and...they don’t want to be!
The easiest solution is for a parent is to bring out the paint. The well-intentioned parent might whitewash the adopted child’s stone to match the rest or, more ambitiously paint over all of their ‘statues’ to make them all look the same. Inevitably, the paint chips or fades creating a tsunami of issues.
Instead, go out of your way to accentuate the unique beauty of each individual block of stone. As a parent, this will allow you to accentuate the complimentary and contrasting beauty created by the entire collection of pieces. This is where individual’s perceptions of how they contribute to “family” are so vitally important. The individual differences that occur naturally are what ultimately creates strength within a family structure. Children often need to be reminded of this and praised for their contribution to this diversity.
Rule 4
Remember, you are not the only person working on this statue!
You will not be able to stop other people from “making their mark” on your statue. Unlike Michelangelo’s individual masterpiece, this is a community project!
Be careful who you allow to chisel away at this valuable piece of stone. Watch others carefully and make sure that each blow of their chisel is consistent with what you see in the stone.
Be particularly careful with other children who can often work around the base of your masterpiece while you are busy chipping away elsewhere. As your natural understudies, they are often helpful and enthusiastic carvers, but won’t have your wisdom or skill with their hammers and chisels. You can hardly blame them for harbouring their own agendas!
Rule 5
Be very careful and wise with your chisel, but particularly with your hammer. Once a blow is struck, repairs are difficult (if not impossible) to make.
Rule 6
You do not get to “make” your child. You do, however have the opportunity to reveal them!
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It’s November! We love this month. We love how how the number of adoption posts explode!
This month, we really want to focus on honouring those who has been touched by adoption. There are so many beautiful stories throughout the adoption spectrum. Maybe you where adopted as an adult and now have the gift of a new family tree. Perhaps you are a birth parent who selflessly chose a different life for your child, or it is possible that you are learning how do raise a child who found life outside your womb! You could be someone whose life was blessed with a loving step parent or, a step parent who was awarded the new title of “Mom” or “Dad”! Whoever you are, whatever your story is – we CELEBRATE your life, your journey and your adoption story.
Typically, we see posts that bring joy, excitement and the hope that adoption brings to families. We rejoice with you!However, we also want to take a moment and recognize that adoption can be a sober experience. For every child that is placed with a new family, there is a selfless, brave woman leaving the hospital with empty arms. There is a mother in pain who knew that she could not continue parenting and selflessly selected another family able to provide her child with a life that she dreamed of for them. There are real, genuine sacrifices being made and we see how hard it is. To all of the mothers who seek out the best possible lives for their children… WE SEE YOU.
Adopting parents also experience heartbreak. Often their pain is seeing and understanding your pain. WE SEE YOU. Sometimes, we have to walk through these difficult events before we can experience the true, deep and fulfilling love and redemption that comes through adoption. Adoption is real and it’s a difficult but rewarding journey that should never be romanticized. In this blog, and in our approach, you can count on us to always be honest and share authentic experiences with you. Unless you have undertaken your own adoption journey, it is hard to describe what it means, or more importantly, how if feels. There are things you can only understand and relate to if you’ve walked this path. We understand how life-giving, life changing and truly beautiful it is. We have a responsibility and the privilege as advocates for adoption and as people who have experienced the blessing of adoption to share what a gift, it is to those around us who may not yet understand. Please trust us to assume full responsibility that being advocates for adoption demands. There are some really wonderful and practical ways that you can help to raise awareness of adoption this month!
1) You can share a story online (social media)
2) Send a brief message promoting adoption (Twitter, FB, Instagram, Snapchat etc .. .the list goes on)
3) Read a story (book) about adoption
4) Support your local adoption agency/volunteer
5) Watch a movie about adoption (let us know what you watched and we will create a list for others)
6) Use positive adoption language (such as 'made an adoption plan for her child' instead of 'gave up her kid')
7) Share photos of your adoption journey with us/others (as appropriate)
8) Support us by offering to help spread the word of our work
9) Write us a letter (email etc)letting us know you appreciate the work of your social worker
10) Create an adoption journey book with positive messages
11) Spend time celebrating your child's heritage making things, cooking ethnic foods, drawing, visiting etc
12) Honour your birth parents, their journey and your child's journey
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Adoption. It’s beautiful, life giving, and will forever change your life! Adoption isn’t always an easy road – there sometimes can be bumps along the way.
In this post - we are exploring what it looks like to parent children who have come through trauma. We are hearing from a momma who is walking this road with two of their children who joined their family through adoption. Adoption in “normal” circumstances can have challenges of its own – so adding in the dynamic of trauma isn’t always easy. This momma has some practical advice from their journey and what they’ve done to overcome trauma in their adoption story. Trauma in relation to adoption can come in different forms – it could be that your child has experienced losing a family member, an adoption at an older age or internationally with an entire change of culture. Walking through trauma with your family is hard! We know it is, because we are right here walking with you! There is hope, and there are tools available to you. You can thrive!
Hello! I am excited to be sharing some of the things that our family has implemented to help deal with difficult life experiences in our two newest family members. We have a large family – 6 kids! We are LOVING having a big family and adore being parents. We live in Alberta and first joined the Small Miracles Adoption family in 2018. Three of our amazing children joined our family through adoption. We have walked through two different domestic Alberta adoptions to get where we are! The first was with our youngest son who joined us straight from the hospital. Our second adoption was not through such happy circumstances. Two of our children had to walk through tremendous loss to join our family, losing their other Momma. We’ve learned a lot about trauma and what it means to work through it as a family. I’d love to share the top 5 things that we’ve learned on our journey to wholeness.
1. ROUTINE!!!
This is so important for both kids who have walked through trauma and for children who haven’t. It’s not about being crazy about a schedule or being super organized - heaven knows I am not the most organized women alive – though I did manage to stick to keeping a day timer… this month. Ha! Routine is about creating a day to day life that our children can rely on. It’s about consistency, and taking away fear of the unknown to some level. We don’t do the same thing every day, but we do have a set skelton of what our days generally look like. We try to eat our meals at relatively the same time every day, have planned quiet time, play time and free time. We have especially noticed our kids thrive when having the same bed time routine. Each night we have a fun song that we play to let the kids know it’s time to get jammies on and get ready for bed! They usually go wild dancing until the song is over – which we love. Our kids then brush their teeth, have story time and climb into bed. They are allowed one book in bed, we sing a song, say our prayers and put on an audio story for them to listen to as
they drift off. We do the same thing every night! Not always the same time… but the same routine.
I cannot express the safety and comfort that this has brought to our children. They are not anxious about what’s coming or what’s going to happen – they know what to expect.
2. MOVE YOUR BODY!!!!
We are naturally a very active family – but for us – this is key. We’ve noticed unbelievable changes in our kids since we’ve made it a priority to be active with them. This idea is not just in our heads – there’s actual scientific studies that prove exercise lowers anxiety, depression and stress. I’m not saying you have to run a marathon with them or even a mile - but you do need to get moving!
We have tons of fun exercises that we do together as a family. Pintrest has great ideas and youtube has super fun kids zumba videos you can do! I will put some links at the bottom for a few of our favorites… and yes.. there is baby shark zumba! Because we have a huge family we play a lot of sports together. We almost have enough for our own baseball team! Our family is so close in age – all 6 kiddos are within 5.5 years of each other – I always joke if we homeschooled we could beat the local schools basketball team because our kids are quite athletic even at a young age! If you’re having trouble getting your kids started on being active…. Bribe them with ice cream! Come on – we all do it!
Here are a few of our favorite kids zumba videos!
3. BE THE SAFE PLACE. AFFIRM YOUR CHILD…. AGAIN… AND AGAIN.
When your child has experienced trauma – no matter how well things are going there are always times of struggle. Some temper tantrums – some times of just unexplained tears. It is our job and our duty as parents to be the safe place for these amazing kids. Sometimes it is hard! There are times when one of my children will freak out for “no reason” and it’s easier to raise my voice and tell them to STOP IT OR ELSE YOU'RE GROUNDED UNTIL NEXT FEBRUARY – but that’s not what is needed. My child needs me to be bigger, to be stronger and to love harder. My kids have walked through significant loss at a young age and their brain can’t always wrap around what it means. All I know is – being firm in those moments is not what helps… showing unwavering love does. Your child NEEDS to know there is nothing that they can do to lose your love – and they also need to know there is nothing they can do to gain it. They need to know we just love them. Period. It’s not earned, it’s not taken away – it’s just there forever. I tell my kids this almost daily. Sometimes when we are experiencing an “episode” I just sit quietly at the other end of the bed waiting for calmness to come. Waiting for my child to come to me, to find comfort. To find safety. You know something – they’ve come to me every single time.
4. PROTECT YOUR CHILDS STORY. FIERCLY.
Your childs story is just that – it’s theirs. It’s not ours. It’s not their siblings, their extended families or friends. It’s very private. Obviously in our case part of the story had to be shared with a significant loss – but let me tell you something – that’s all that people know. It is deeply important to us that our children NEVER learn something about themselves or their history from anyone but us. A part of our childs identity is being re-shaped through adoption – it’s important that their story is their story. Children who come through adoption don’t always have happy stories. Sometimes there are parts of a childs story that are difficult – maybe even dark. You don’t want people to judge your children based on their history or who has been involved in their lives previously. Give them the gift of a fresh start. Give them the gift of privacy.
5. BE OPEN!!!!
This one is HUGE! I read a quote this week from another adoptive mom and it fits here.
“I don’t believe in a family tree. I believe in a family quilt. My family is woven together from different places, people, stories, histories, cultures, languages, and nationalities. Like a quilt, we’re of different fabrics, textures, colors, origins, and patterns. We come together, as family, yet we stand unique—one of a kind—in who we are as individuals. We embrace each other’s uniqueness. After all, a quilt requires these individual pieces of fabric in order to transform itself into something of timeless beauty.”
It’s so important for us to embrace our children and empower them to be who they are! If you’re pursuing adoption to “replace” having a biological child or to have it be “no different” than, in my opinion – adoption may not be right for you. I think it can be more damaging to our children who were adopted to not talk about adoption! Adoption is an EVENT.. it’s not an identifier – but is part of our story as a family – and its something to CELEBRATE! Being open about it with our kids is important. It shows that its not a secret or something to hide. We’ve found that not talking about adoption makes it this weird thing – so we went the opposite direction. We talk about it, we celebrate it! We celebrate “gotcha days” bigger than birthdays! So far – it’s never caused hurt. In fact – it’s brought healing.
Also along these lines – ALWAYS speak with the highest regard and kindness when speaking about your adoptive childrens biological parents. This is extremely important. There is always something kind that can be said.
In our case – with our second adoption, I had a close relationship with their other mother. When they are sad about missing her – I don’t tell them it’s going to be okay. I tell them I miss her too. I tell them I loved her. We have photos of her in our home and we openly talk about adoption and biological parents. It can’t be about me, it is about them and their healing journey.
I hope that this has been helpful! It’s so hard to give advise summarized into five points. Maybe they will work for you in your situation, and maybe they wont – but these are the These things have been instrumental in our family bonding!
With love
The C family.
What did you think of the C Families advice on raising children walking through trauma? Comment below, we'd love to hear from you!